Audio Tour

Artist Statement:

Hey all! The story for this audio tour is very personal and based off my experiences dealing with social anxiety. The tour is based off of an experience that has happened to me last Fall. I can't go into detail about names and the entire situation of what happened, but during that time I had to be social and I really had to "put myself out there."

Warning: There is a lot more to this story so it's extremely hard to understand, but I can't reveal too much. If you ever want to just sit down and have coffee I will gladly tell you the whole story.

     My story starts in high school where I had extreme social anxiety. At the time I wasn't aware that social anxiety was an actual thing. Whenever I would tell someone of my experiences I would be told, "You're just shy," "Put yourself out there more," "Don't worry too much about others, focus on yourself," "Just get over it and stop being such a baby." It was hard to get over it because I was in constant fear of judgement of my peers and family. I went through high school, being the quiet girl who draws pin ups instead of paying attention to the teacher. When I graduated, my social anxiety lessened. I was being more social and making friends with people that held the same values as myself. So when I started my first year of college I built up a confidence where I felt good about myself and I had confidence in building new friendships with others.
     Starting my second year, I really wanted to be part of an organization on campus. A chemistry buddy of mine suggested I go for organization x because she's heard really good things about them. Not only that, but she knew people in organization x who encouraged her to try and join them. I thought it wouldn't hurt and went to their first event. Right away, I clicked with people and I felt like this was the group for me. I really wanted to be part of them and even now I would still like to be part of them. I went to all their information events and eventually had my interview. A week later I found out I got in and I was so ecstatic. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I felt like this was a definite start to whatever I was looking for. But coming into the organization I also had to work with a group of people that I personally felt like we did not get along. There are also many perspectives to the story, but from my own I felt like I was just an assignment. At the beginning it was awkward because I was still getting to know people, but as time went on I felt like I was getting more distant to the group. Right now, this very moment I'm typing the story, it hurts to think of all the things I had to go through...but as you can imagine I built up my confidence that I felt no one can bring down and going into an organization that was supposed to be like a second family, it really hurt feeling like the outsider looking in. My confidence was definitely torn down and my social anxiety spiked.
     That entire semester, I avoided people like my life depended on it. I was afraid all the time and there were times I would go into a panic attack. Every night, I would come home and lock myself in my room only to break down into tears. I would hide myself from other people so they didn't see me in my states of distress. I was even afraid to talk about how I felt with the group I worked with because they would shut me down instead of trying to help me. I felt alone. Adding my social anxiety didn't help. I pretty much went into depression now that I thought of it. After a while, I grew tired of feeling afraid and I wanted a change. I realized that before wanting to be part of this organization I was perfectly happy and trying to be part of it at that time was not helping me in any way. So I dropped out. From there, I got my life back together and I learned a lot about myself from that experience.

     That is part of the story and during that whole entire experience I found places that I could have solitude. During that Fall semester I was still a biochem major and I would hang around the DMS, Dela Mare, Engineering, and Orvis Nursing a lot. I avoided places like the Joe and KC because they were high traffic areas. Which is why the audio tour takes place along that string of buildings. In the audio tour I used the sound of a heartbeat to show which stage of distress I was in. Everyone knows what stage fright feels like and when your heart really starts to thud in your chest, you feel extremely rattled. I also mentioned a person in the dialogue. I didn't include them in the story, but during the process of joining organization x everyone in my group had a mentor. I would always hang out with my mentor and try to laugh around them all the time. Being caught in so much negativity, I was glad to have someone to help me and be the positive one. The organization and others like it felt like it was built on titles, so when I dropped out I lost a title that I had with that person and everyone else in the organization. Every time I would see a member of it, it feels a bit awkward to be around them. Anyway, that person has moved away to Hawaii but sometimes I feel like I still see them and I feel like I can't ever face them in person again. Besides my audio tour having a whole fluster cluck of things, I hope that in a way people can relate to the feeling of being scared and needing solitude.